Saturday, April 21, 2012

CD 21

My temps have not rose, so I'm not sure if I have O'd yet. CD 18 I got my first + OPK and the next day was even darker, so IDK. C stabbed himself in the hand with a screwdriver at work and was in a LOT of pain so we have not been BD'ing much. I'm feeling pretty down about this cycle, but I know all it takes is ONE time.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

CD 18!!!

Finally a +OPK!!! Only a day late but that's ok. I'm worried our BD schedule sucked though. I don't have high hopes for this cycle however, I did have a Cheri reading that said April and girl, so who knows!!!

Monday, April 16, 2012


This is CD 16 on cycle #2 after my mc. I was sick all last week and still have horrible sniffles. C was sick too but not nearly as bad as I was. I'm hoping our sickness doesn't throw off O or his swimmers. I know it can. I had temps last week of 101 and 102.9 so I think I will have to throw those out. I don't usually O until CD17 and sometimes CD18. So I'm hoping that todays temp will be good enough to show a shift tomorrow. I didn't sleep all that great last night so todays temp was a little high. I will be testing with an OPK today and tomorrow. If I don't get a plus then I will test again on Wednesday. I depend so highly on my temps I don't usully use OPKs or anything else but I've been paying more attention to my CM and just my bodies urges so I think O should be coming up soon!!! I will edit to add the OPK pic tonight!

Strong and Brave

Two words that have been used to describe me lately. Certainly not ones that I would choose to describe myself.

I enjoy the TV show 16 and Pregnant... maybe because its a baby show. Watching that show is torture. Watching teenage girls prepare for a baby breaks my heart. I cry every tuesday watching the show. C will no watch it with me. If I am watching a re-run or watching it on the DVR he will leave. He always asks me why I even put myself through it. I don't even honestly know.

Most often I get called brave for still trying. After my D&C I asked my doctor when we could start trying again. He looked at me like I was nuts. He was certainly shocked that I could even ask the question. Women on mommy sites remind me of how brave I am. Some saying things like "I couldn't do it" but some are a little more genuine, "You are so brave and I am praying for you". It's taken me almost two weeks to finish this blog post. Theres so much that I wanted to say but not enough that I could.

I don't think I'm strong or brave. Not any more then anyone else. I just want to be a mom again. More then anything in this world I want A to have a sibling, at least one.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

It's not just me

Sometimes I forgot that the losses have affected C too. He loves his xbox and all his internet friends (kinda like me and all my online mommy friends). Lately, all his buddies are "knocking up" their girlfriends, fiances, wives and its most always an accident. Usually he can tell them congrats and leave it at that. Since SO MANY are finding out at the same time he finally burst.

He let some of them know that he didn't want to hear about their pregnancies and babies any more. I'm still in shock. He doesn't usually let things bother him. I don't think I even realized how much everything has affected him.

When I had the D&C I think that was an eye opener to both of us. That is not something I will ever do again and it was something C was against from the very beginning.

He always has to comfort me at random moments when I cry, when I see babies or have multiple pregnancy announcements on facebook in a matter of hours. He reminds me that it's not their fault I'm not pregnant. Most people do not even know that their words have any negative affect on anyone. Pregnancies are supposed to be a happy, joyous time (and it should). But the unexpected announcements hurt and the reminds of what I have lost sting.

I will never be confident enough in a pregnancy to start telling people at 6 weeks. The first time I see a heartbeat will not put me at ease. Making it into the second trimester for the first time since A, will bring on a whole new set of fears I have never experienced.  Nothing scared me with A. My biggest fear with her was how my family would react, as I was 20, not married, and had not been with C long. Miscarriage was the farthest thing from my mind. Once she was born, we always said how the next pregnancy and baby would be total opposite. I really had a picture perfect pregnancy, little did we know how right we would be. 3 pregnancies later and it is still just A. I hate the she will not have a close relationship with a sibling close in age. She loves babies. I want one for her just as bad as for us. I hope and I pray we can give her the gift of a sibling soon.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Opening up about Recurent Loss

I submitted my story here. It's a blog dedicated to the "faces of loss, faces of hope". I never thought I would be the person who would want to openly talk about my losses. In fact I am scared about my family finding this and what their reactions would be. We did not tell any of my family until this past miscarriage. I told my mom. It's hard t grieve alone, its harder to avoid the people who care.
I am apart of a few mommy internet sites, so I guess it is possible my family may have stumbled upon my story. I have been hesitant to start a Vlog because I am worried of any negative reactions to our TTC.

Most importantly, my story is important. It is important for other mothers to know they are not alone. No woman should have to go through a loss alone. Ever. Even if all she has is someone she has never met on the other end of the computer, she deserves to have someone listen. Her child's story deserves to be heard. You are not alone and there is someone ready to listen.

Cycle #2 CD 2

AF came right on time yesterday. I really should not complain since she almost always shows up right on time. Could be worse right?

This is my third cycle since the M/C but my second TTC... although I would consider last cycle to have been a more relaxed NTNP cycle. Now I want a baby so bad, its killing me not to be pregnant. I've cried a lot since AF showed. I was not expecting to be so emotional after a NTNP cycle. I knew my chances of being pregnant were slim but I was really hoping!

Back in December, the day before I got my BFP, I got a Cheri reading. For those who don't know Cheri, she's a psychic but specializes in TTC/Pregnancy. I had the free reading done and she predicted a Girl that would be conceived/due/or we would find out we were pregnant in Feb. Instead I found out I was pregnant a day later. When I had the miscarriage, I let her know and she provided me with another expedited reading. I received that on Saturday and she predicted a Girl/April. I know its all in fun, but I would be SO happy to find out/conceive next month! I would love a spring due date too! I always tell C I want to be big and pregnant for the holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas!).

I also got my big package of Wondfos. I think I'll have to buy more, lol. They came early and I was able to test Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I definitely need some more ICs, I love FRERs but for the price (and how many I go through) the Wondfos are the better deal!