When I get my BFP...

I will be scared. Not just scared but afraid. I'm afraid to get my BFP. As much as every single BFN stings, the happiness of a BFP will be trumped by fear. I am just living in fear.

OH MY GOSH!

CD 1

AF was super late this go-around and I'm really not too sure why. I didn't think I was pregnant, with all the BFNs, but I still hoped AF would stay away and I would get a super late BFP. Instead, as my early Mothers Day present, I got a puppy!!! Our third dog! I was furious when C told me, but of course as soon as I saw him I feel in love. I named him Sampson, his mother is a mini-collie and the father is unknown (seems to happen a lot here in the country). I think he was too young to leave his mom but the owners did not want them any more and we even asked them to take him back for a few more weeks but they refused :-(. Fortunately, he is with a family that knows how to care for too young pups!

CD 31 11ish DPO

I'm horrible at keeping up with this but with C away (with the good laptop), A being a crazy toddler, and finals next week, it's nearly impossibe to get online :(. I'm not exactly sure what DPO I am. I could be 11... but I could be 13 or even 9. 11 seems to be the most accurate, that would count O as the day after my darkest +OPK. So far all my tests have been BFNs, which does not come to a huge surprise as me. Yesterday I took a nap but other then  that I have no pregnancy symptoms. I got my usual period pimple, except its not as huge as "usual". So I guess its not usual lol but its one of those gross under the skin painful ones. But that seems to be the only sign of AF. Tomorrow I will probably be feeling more AF like.

I'm getting discouraged. We have been TTC for 2 years, with 3 losses, and no baby in our arms. Its frustrating. I know we have only technically been TTC this time for 1 month (last month was more NTNP) but it still sucks. I hate all this waiting and I know that with every m/c it increase my risk of m/c with the next pregnancy. Apparently the state I'm in does not offer any maternity/fertility coverage private insurance for a single female. Almost makes me want to hop on the marriage train, almost.

CD 21

My temps have not rose, so I'm not sure if I have O'd yet. CD 18 I got my first + OPK and the next day was even darker, so IDK. C stabbed himself in the hand with a screwdriver at work and was in a LOT of pain so we have not been BD'ing much. I'm feeling pretty down about this cycle, but I know all it takes is ONE time.

CD 18!!!

Finally a +OPK!!! Only a day late but that's ok. I'm worried our BD schedule sucked though. I don't have high hopes for this cycle however, I did have a Cheri reading that said April and girl, so who knows!!!

COME ON EGGIE!!!

This is CD 16 on cycle #2 after my mc. I was sick all last week and still have horrible sniffles. C was sick too but not nearly as bad as I was. I'm hoping our sickness doesn't throw off O or his swimmers. I know it can. I had temps last week of 101 and 102.9 so I think I will have to throw those out. I don't usually O until CD17 and sometimes CD18. So I'm hoping that todays temp will be good enough to show a shift tomorrow. I didn't sleep all that great last night so todays temp was a little high. I will be testing with an OPK today and tomorrow. If I don't get a plus then I will test again on Wednesday. I depend so highly on my temps I don't usully use OPKs or anything else but I've been paying more attention to my CM and just my bodies urges so I think O should be coming up soon!!! I will edit to add the OPK pic tonight!

Strong and Brave

Two words that have been used to describe me lately. Certainly not ones that I would choose to describe myself.

I enjoy the TV show 16 and Pregnant... maybe because its a baby show. Watching that show is torture. Watching teenage girls prepare for a baby breaks my heart. I cry every tuesday watching the show. C will no watch it with me. If I am watching a re-run or watching it on the DVR he will leave. He always asks me why I even put myself through it. I don't even honestly know.

Most often I get called brave for still trying. After my D&C I asked my doctor when we could start trying again. He looked at me like I was nuts. He was certainly shocked that I could even ask the question. Women on mommy sites remind me of how brave I am. Some saying things like "I couldn't do it" but some are a little more genuine, "You are so brave and I am praying for you". It's taken me almost two weeks to finish this blog post. Theres so much that I wanted to say but not enough that I could.

I don't think I'm strong or brave. Not any more then anyone else. I just want to be a mom again. More then anything in this world I want A to have a sibling, at least one.

It's not just me

Sometimes I forgot that the losses have affected C too. He loves his xbox and all his internet friends (kinda like me and all my online mommy friends). Lately, all his buddies are "knocking up" their girlfriends, fiances, wives and its most always an accident. Usually he can tell them congrats and leave it at that. Since SO MANY are finding out at the same time he finally burst.

He let some of them know that he didn't want to hear about their pregnancies and babies any more. I'm still in shock. He doesn't usually let things bother him. I don't think I even realized how much everything has affected him.

When I had the D&C I think that was an eye opener to both of us. That is not something I will ever do again and it was something C was against from the very beginning.

He always has to comfort me at random moments when I cry, when I see babies or have multiple pregnancy announcements on facebook in a matter of hours. He reminds me that it's not their fault I'm not pregnant. Most people do not even know that their words have any negative affect on anyone. Pregnancies are supposed to be a happy, joyous time (and it should). But the unexpected announcements hurt and the reminds of what I have lost sting.

I will never be confident enough in a pregnancy to start telling people at 6 weeks. The first time I see a heartbeat will not put me at ease. Making it into the second trimester for the first time since A, will bring on a whole new set of fears I have never experienced.  Nothing scared me with A. My biggest fear with her was how my family would react, as I was 20, not married, and had not been with C long. Miscarriage was the farthest thing from my mind. Once she was born, we always said how the next pregnancy and baby would be total opposite. I really had a picture perfect pregnancy, little did we know how right we would be. 3 pregnancies later and it is still just A. I hate the she will not have a close relationship with a sibling close in age. She loves babies. I want one for her just as bad as for us. I hope and I pray we can give her the gift of a sibling soon.

Opening up about Recurent Loss

I submitted my story here. It's a blog dedicated to the "faces of loss, faces of hope". I never thought I would be the person who would want to openly talk about my losses. In fact I am scared about my family finding this and what their reactions would be. We did not tell any of my family until this past miscarriage. I told my mom. It's hard t grieve alone, its harder to avoid the people who care.
I am apart of a few mommy internet sites, so I guess it is possible my family may have stumbled upon my story. I have been hesitant to start a Vlog because I am worried of any negative reactions to our TTC.

Most importantly, my story is important. It is important for other mothers to know they are not alone. No woman should have to go through a loss alone. Ever. Even if all she has is someone she has never met on the other end of the computer, she deserves to have someone listen. Her child's story deserves to be heard. You are not alone and there is someone ready to listen.

Cycle #2 CD 2

AF came right on time yesterday. I really should not complain since she almost always shows up right on time. Could be worse right?

This is my third cycle since the M/C but my second TTC... although I would consider last cycle to have been a more relaxed NTNP cycle. Now I want a baby so bad, its killing me not to be pregnant. I've cried a lot since AF showed. I was not expecting to be so emotional after a NTNP cycle. I knew my chances of being pregnant were slim but I was really hoping!

Back in December, the day before I got my BFP, I got a Cheri reading. For those who don't know Cheri, she's a psychic but specializes in TTC/Pregnancy. I had the free reading done and she predicted a Girl that would be conceived/due/or we would find out we were pregnant in Feb. Instead I found out I was pregnant a day later. When I had the miscarriage, I let her know and she provided me with another expedited reading. I received that on Saturday and she predicted a Girl/April. I know its all in fun, but I would be SO happy to find out/conceive next month! I would love a spring due date too! I always tell C I want to be big and pregnant for the holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas!).

I also got my big package of Wondfos. I think I'll have to buy more, lol. They came early and I was able to test Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I definitely need some more ICs, I love FRERs but for the price (and how many I go through) the Wondfos are the better deal!

Thursday Ramblings

I'm not going to start actual cycle posts until the start of next cycle. AF should be due on Sunday. I've  had these weird tests that look like they want to be positive but they're not.

A friend on a mommy page suggested its the antibody strip and I think she's right. I have a 50 pack of wondfos arriving on Saturday and I'm out of HPTs until then. It's probably a good thing though because I would go nuts testing. I have thought about maybe trying a different brand to see what those results are. Ugh this is frustrating!!!

Yesterday I was fiddling around on FB and in an hour I had 4 people announce pregnancies. As someone who is TTC after losses I have such mixed emotions. I'm excited but it hurts my heart. At least yesterday most of the people were past 12 weeks when they announced. I definitely get jealous when people announce at 6 weeks with no fears. My doctors say we shouldn't tell people until I am 16 weeks because of my increased risk of miscarriage. Gosh I don't want to go through that again :-(

A little about me...

Although I am not new to TTC (Trying to Conceive), I am relatively new to blogging. I might do a Vlog too but I'm not the best when it come to technology. Anyways about me...

I'm a 23 year old mother of one. A is our 33 month old toddler. She loves animals and Bubble Guppies. My fiance C works in the oil field and has been amazing during our TTC Journey.

I'm original from the D.C. Metropolitan area and we are now living in Western MD. A was born in 2009 and her birth helped us decide to get away from the big city.

About a month before A's first birthday we got an unexpected BFP. Although we had not been trying, we had not been preventing a pregnancy either. We were shocked, scared, happy, you name it, we felt it. Days before her birthday I began to spot, since it was so early in the pregnancy the doctor did not think anything of it. In the very early hours of August 2nd 2010 we said good bye to our first Angel Baby.

That marks the beginning of our TTC journey.

We began to TTC right away. OPK's, BBT, Charting, Legs in the air after BD, you name it we did it. After 7 long months of BFNs we finally got a BFP on 3/9/11 with an EDD of 11/14/11. We were elated and the doctor said there was no reason for this pregnancy to not be full term. We even got extra ultrasounds.

I started spotting on 4/29/11 and the doctor prescribed me cyotec to help me pass the baby at home, this was our second missed miscarriage. The first dose did nothing and a week later on 5/6/11 I took the second dose and we said good bye to our Second Angel Baby at home. After this loss the doctor ran some tests. It appears that I'm healthy, other then my numbers being slightly off for a blood clotting disorder, which I now take baby aspirin for daily.

12/4/11 We got our third BFP since A. After everything we have been through it was hard to be anything but scared. The doctors saw me right away to get blood work done. We got an ultrasound right before Christmas and for 2 weeks after. On 1/16/12, just 10 days after seeing a healthy baby and heartbeat, we saw no heartbeat and no movement. On 1/26/12 I had a D&C. I will never have a D&C again. I feel I made a selfish decision to "get it done" because I was worried about it happening at school. The D&C was so final and really didn't give me the closure the natural miscarriages did.

3/1/12 marked that start of a new TTC journey. We don't know why we keep experiencing miscarriages. I am now taking baby aspirin, folic acid, and prenatals. Once I get a BFP I will be prescribed progesterone suppositories (yes, that means it goes up my hoo-ha).  We are not seeing a specialist right now, my insurance won't cover it, but we are in the process of finding an insurance plan that will work for us financially and cover the things we need.

*I wasn't going to share this but I think it is important* I had an abnormal pap in January and my colposcopy in March shows some high level cell changes which puts me at risk for cervical cancer. Part of me wonders if maybe these miscarriages happened so that we would find this and take care of it (I had not had one done since Jun '10) before adding to our family. We just got this news Monday, AF is due 4/1 so if I'm not pregnant I will have to have a LEEP procedure done. I'm pretty nervous about that because some of the side effects of the LEEP include pre-term labor and miscarriage. I'm still waiting for my doctor to call with the date of the LEEP, which I'm hoping is soon because I don't want to have to put off TTC any more then we have to.

Well that's my introduction to our TTC #2 Journey. Please feel free to leave any questions or comments!