CD 1

AF was super late this go-around and I'm really not too sure why. I didn't think I was pregnant, with all the BFNs, but I still hoped AF would stay away and I would get a super late BFP. Instead, as my early Mothers Day present, I got a puppy!!! Our third dog! I was furious when C told me, but of course as soon as I saw him I feel in love. I named him Sampson, his mother is a mini-collie and the father is unknown (seems to happen a lot here in the country). I think he was too young to leave his mom but the owners did not want them any more and we even asked them to take him back for a few more weeks but they refused :-(. Fortunately, he is with a family that knows how to care for too young pups!

CD 31 11ish DPO

I'm horrible at keeping up with this but with C away (with the good laptop), A being a crazy toddler, and finals next week, it's nearly impossibe to get online :(. I'm not exactly sure what DPO I am. I could be 11... but I could be 13 or even 9. 11 seems to be the most accurate, that would count O as the day after my darkest +OPK. So far all my tests have been BFNs, which does not come to a huge surprise as me. Yesterday I took a nap but other then  that I have no pregnancy symptoms. I got my usual period pimple, except its not as huge as "usual". So I guess its not usual lol but its one of those gross under the skin painful ones. But that seems to be the only sign of AF. Tomorrow I will probably be feeling more AF like.

I'm getting discouraged. We have been TTC for 2 years, with 3 losses, and no baby in our arms. Its frustrating. I know we have only technically been TTC this time for 1 month (last month was more NTNP) but it still sucks. I hate all this waiting and I know that with every m/c it increase my risk of m/c with the next pregnancy. Apparently the state I'm in does not offer any maternity/fertility coverage private insurance for a single female. Almost makes me want to hop on the marriage train, almost.

CD 21

My temps have not rose, so I'm not sure if I have O'd yet. CD 18 I got my first + OPK and the next day was even darker, so IDK. C stabbed himself in the hand with a screwdriver at work and was in a LOT of pain so we have not been BD'ing much. I'm feeling pretty down about this cycle, but I know all it takes is ONE time.

CD 18!!!

Finally a +OPK!!! Only a day late but that's ok. I'm worried our BD schedule sucked though. I don't have high hopes for this cycle however, I did have a Cheri reading that said April and girl, so who knows!!!

COME ON EGGIE!!!

This is CD 16 on cycle #2 after my mc. I was sick all last week and still have horrible sniffles. C was sick too but not nearly as bad as I was. I'm hoping our sickness doesn't throw off O or his swimmers. I know it can. I had temps last week of 101 and 102.9 so I think I will have to throw those out. I don't usually O until CD17 and sometimes CD18. So I'm hoping that todays temp will be good enough to show a shift tomorrow. I didn't sleep all that great last night so todays temp was a little high. I will be testing with an OPK today and tomorrow. If I don't get a plus then I will test again on Wednesday. I depend so highly on my temps I don't usully use OPKs or anything else but I've been paying more attention to my CM and just my bodies urges so I think O should be coming up soon!!! I will edit to add the OPK pic tonight!

Strong and Brave

Two words that have been used to describe me lately. Certainly not ones that I would choose to describe myself.

I enjoy the TV show 16 and Pregnant... maybe because its a baby show. Watching that show is torture. Watching teenage girls prepare for a baby breaks my heart. I cry every tuesday watching the show. C will no watch it with me. If I am watching a re-run or watching it on the DVR he will leave. He always asks me why I even put myself through it. I don't even honestly know.

Most often I get called brave for still trying. After my D&C I asked my doctor when we could start trying again. He looked at me like I was nuts. He was certainly shocked that I could even ask the question. Women on mommy sites remind me of how brave I am. Some saying things like "I couldn't do it" but some are a little more genuine, "You are so brave and I am praying for you". It's taken me almost two weeks to finish this blog post. Theres so much that I wanted to say but not enough that I could.

I don't think I'm strong or brave. Not any more then anyone else. I just want to be a mom again. More then anything in this world I want A to have a sibling, at least one.

It's not just me

Sometimes I forgot that the losses have affected C too. He loves his xbox and all his internet friends (kinda like me and all my online mommy friends). Lately, all his buddies are "knocking up" their girlfriends, fiances, wives and its most always an accident. Usually he can tell them congrats and leave it at that. Since SO MANY are finding out at the same time he finally burst.

He let some of them know that he didn't want to hear about their pregnancies and babies any more. I'm still in shock. He doesn't usually let things bother him. I don't think I even realized how much everything has affected him.

When I had the D&C I think that was an eye opener to both of us. That is not something I will ever do again and it was something C was against from the very beginning.

He always has to comfort me at random moments when I cry, when I see babies or have multiple pregnancy announcements on facebook in a matter of hours. He reminds me that it's not their fault I'm not pregnant. Most people do not even know that their words have any negative affect on anyone. Pregnancies are supposed to be a happy, joyous time (and it should). But the unexpected announcements hurt and the reminds of what I have lost sting.

I will never be confident enough in a pregnancy to start telling people at 6 weeks. The first time I see a heartbeat will not put me at ease. Making it into the second trimester for the first time since A, will bring on a whole new set of fears I have never experienced.  Nothing scared me with A. My biggest fear with her was how my family would react, as I was 20, not married, and had not been with C long. Miscarriage was the farthest thing from my mind. Once she was born, we always said how the next pregnancy and baby would be total opposite. I really had a picture perfect pregnancy, little did we know how right we would be. 3 pregnancies later and it is still just A. I hate the she will not have a close relationship with a sibling close in age. She loves babies. I want one for her just as bad as for us. I hope and I pray we can give her the gift of a sibling soon.